ye adik2... kakak nak bercerita... 

Time management people! 

me n da boyz 

I'm infatuated by the song Blower's Daughter (i know i know... ja must be jumping up n down shouting she'd typed the song ages ago in her blog) i re-heard it on TV lately. Thus the latest craze.

Enjoy the video by the man himself, Mr Damien Rice, singing the song. You can catch it at
www.damienrice.com.

The Blower's Daughter
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I cant take my eyes off of you
i cant take my eyes....

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...

Did i say that i loathe you?
Did i say that i want to leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind...
my mind.. my mind..
'Til i find somebody new

So, who's the Blower's daughter? Is Mr Damien having a crush on his music teacher's daughter? Is this song about obsession? Anyway, for those who haf heard the song, stand with me if u agree that u can feel the sadness and the sincerity... the eagerness to be with someone so dear...! awwwwwwww................. humaira's in one of those feel-y feel-y mood again....

This song is the soundtrack for the movie Closer (the RA film i watched with Ja). The story of relationships turn bad.

Some note worthy quotes i remember from the movie...

Dan: When i get back, please tell me the truth
Alice: Why?
Dan: Because i'm addicted to it. Because without it, we're animals. Trust me.
Alice: I don't want to lie. I can't tell the truth. So it's over.

Alice: Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but i can't do anything with your easy words.

Larry: You don't know the first thing about love, because you don't understand compromise

Dan: What's so great about the truth? Try lying for a change, it's the currency of the world

As you can see, the story's about finding the meaning of love, truth and of course lust. Essentially, this story's about MAN. Full of err and contradictions.
I'm so glad i dun haf to lead life tt's directionless. Religion gives meaning to life. I pity them more than myself.

Oh well... character-wise, I'm Alice (my fav character in the story); young, 'naive', revengeful, a silent rebel and essentially private. She keeps her truth with her... guiding it like a real gem... no one knows her real identity...

Zakiah... humaira... ironica...Alice... Jane... wateva...
A name.. a masquerade for true self

humaira.... counting days to payday

the 82 gerls 

Ma n Me 

The week ended well... after episodes of terrible happenings~ Right from my competencies being questioned, to my values being challenged, and my dignity being harrassed.

I'm still ok. Life MOVES ON.

I had a wonderful time with my youths. They reminded me of being young again. The whole day of being indecisive, and eating and drinking (they do that A LOT!), and walking and playing.
I HAD FUN!!!

I bought myself a VCD of one of my recent fav movies - Finding Neverland! Watched it again. And tears welling...still

We've pretended for some time now that you're a part of this family, havent we? You've come to mean so much to us all that now, it doesn't matter if its true.
And even if it isnt true, even if that can never be...
i need to go on pretending.. until the end... with you...

Listen to the lady's insecurity.. her worries... and her aspirations. This is just another expression that shows how hard it is for a lady to forget all the little things that was done for her. She'll keep it... she'll treasure it... deep deep in her heart....somewhere.. even though pretending that all of it is true

Psss: Today marks the day humaira erases a little part of her history which she tot she can never let go.
She's taking baby steps towards big success! Hurrah~!

Psss again: Enjoy the pics!

speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil

Bonus Question!! Guess who's the adult in the pic???

All hot and Flushed!

Luv this pic! Good shot shidah!

My Dearest volunteers (n more.. not in the pic)

Me n the berfday gerl

Aaaaper 'eh?

No money.. boohooo

Waaaa

me n yanty *hugsies*

Its been a week since Humaira shared her stories to the world. The truth is... she was trying to grasp the sadness in her life. She vowed, the next time she type, it MUST be a happy one.

Humaira met him for the first time after the dream. Just like she pictured him, he looks blank. She couldnt recognise him. He.... is a different person.

The meeting went quite well. Humaira tried very hard to focus. Deep inside, she's still crying... (wait! isnt this entry supposed to be a happy one??)

Humaira had her last blow of sadness. She cried her last tears. And she stopped. Unable to find reasons to let the tears down. Humaira smiled.

Why shouldnt she smile? She has all the good friends in the world who care for her. She has a good career which she enjoys doing. She has purpose.

She has a mission.
To be Allah's good servant, by being a good vicegerent on earth.

Crying over him impede her journey.

Let her continue the walk. With a fresh start.

That's a good story isnt it?

Humaira..... a fresh start

She's happy.. and she's sad.

Loneliness is something uneasily cured.

".. for without doubt in the remembrance of Allah the heart finds mutmainnah".

Sakeenah is not enough for her.

Mutmainnah is what she's after.

Piles of work awaiting to be done.

She's suffocated... "I need mutmainnah now!"

************************************************

She recalls what happened yesterday....

"Kak, i can only give a neutral view. No i can't. I'm siding you. Because i don't know him. And i know you're a good person"

"Sometimes i wonder why these things happen to good people"

"Perhaps this information can make you feel better. My friend scolded him for being selfish in the court. He ****************. Is he always like that?"

"Lots of people had experience working with him. I've heard of not-so-good comments about him. It must be special for you as u can see his good points that made you attracted to him"

Special... and pure blindness my dear...
Special... and pure love perhaps...
Special... and it was before...

"Kak... i think its too much to ask from you. After you've given too much, and suddenly u're asked to stop giving. It must be difficult"

It wasnt difficult to give in to his requests.
But, being his friend has to be the most difficult request he's ever asked.

"Nowadays.. whenever i meet him, i always turn my face away. He'll do the same. Which is
good" *with non-verbal cues of hatred* --- a buddy said

Humaira smiles when she listen to these words. Neither reaction nor words came out.
She's neither happy nor sad. She's just lonely.

Is she moving on? Let her mourn.. let her feel the grief... let her be
Let her complete the whole cycle... the whole rollercoaster of hatred and disappointments and love... for only the completion will make her better.. or worse

What she's asking is patience. Stroke her when she's crying. Encourage her when she's smiling.

Humaira's blessed.

"If we ever gonna be apart... i'll never fall in love again....ever"
Jikalau kerbau dipegang pada talinya, manusia dipegang pada janjinya
Prove it my dear

Humaira... distracted

Behind those eyes

Seems like just yesterday
you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
your arms around me tight
Everything... it felt so right
unbreakable... like nothing could go wrong

Now i can't breathe
i can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears i cry
behind these eyes

I told you everything
opened up and let you in
you made me feel alright for once in my life
Now all that's left of me
is what i pretend to be
so together but so broken up inside

Cause i can't breathe
no i can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
swallow me then spit me out
for hating you..... i blame myself
just seeing you it kills me now
no i don't cry on the outside anymore

...behind these Eyes...

On a boring Saturday.. sitting at her werkstation. No life.

Actually.. got life. But she chose not to pursue it. Becoz she's lazy. Becoz she's tired.

This little humaira is growing up professionally. Growing up is tiring. Growing up means more responsibility, and its heavy.

This little humaira was introduced to dealing with divorce issue. She was introduced to the trauma and emotional disturbance experienced by children below 10 whose parents decided to split. Humaira reflects the feeling of loss.. the emotion of anger and love and self-guilt ALL mixed together when she was broken up... inside...

Imagine the feelings and emotions felt by those affected!

Yes yes, talaq has its hikmah, has its pros. But, how can it be good if the children are left hurt? If the wives are left directionless? If the men are forced to be strong? How can it be?

A young child said....... Teach me bout Life. Tell me why its unfair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Humaira has been asked numerous times by her friends and family members... why be a slave? Why be the problem solver?

If she doesn't... who else?

Humaira is internalising the problems. This is bad. Humaira yearns to seek comfort... she turns rite, she sees Kak Raihan's little Christmas Tree... she turns left, she sees her dear young volunteer.....

Her dear young volunteer... she wonders what is in her mind at the moment. Finding a boyfriend? Humaira observes her volunteers are starting to flirt around with the opposite gender. Its kinda positive. Well at least they dun flirt around with the same gender. Humaira is being cautious now... humaira needs to listen hardER.....

"to enjoin goodness, and to deny wrongdoings"

It's hard. Humaira is shouting for help.....

Humaira shouts for comfort

Humaira yearns for sakeenah

Humaira seeks for a seed of peace in her qalb

But no hand arrives

But she hears soothing voice... creeping through her heart....

that voice sounds familiar

"Allah will not burden His servant unless to his own capability"

Perhaps that's the answer.... to ALL the questions she asked.

In fact, that was the answer, she gave to all those who seek help.

Tears running down humaira's pinkest cheeks.... She lets it dry.........



Humaira......................... seeking sakeenah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little humaira had a dream yesterday. It was vivid. She can still remember the detail. It was on the MRT platform... when she met him. His hair looks different.

Little humaira gave him a smile. His troubled eyes look comforted. Humaira cannot bear to look at him... she turned away... and she cried.

He ran after her. Seeking friendship after rejection. Humaira looked at his eyes. She felt love.

They talked. Humaira's having the best dream since the past 2 months. Humaira didnt want to wake up. Humaira wanted to stay asleep.... and look at his eyes.

Humaira is awake. Humaira is scared.

For dream... reflects one's inner wants..........

Humaira........ red cheeks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Kak, I want to be a Social Worker just like you"....someone said. And it came from a guy.

Humaira smiled. Despite the 'we-dun-like-ur-approach-to-the-current-policy-on-volunteers' staff meeting, humaira stayed smiling...

Humaira... standing firm to her principle, while listening to what others say *proud of self*

Thursday, 24th March 2005

No hotel reservation, no confirmed bus, dunno where to go... just the determination to get out of this land.

Never occured to me to bagpack with Jieja. Ever since the break-up, she's been so dear. Thanks beb! U're the best! :)

Niwei... yerp yerp... off we go taking the cab. Leaving my worries.. leaving my woes...



This is how we fill the White Card: (1) Smile (2) Write in a moving vehicle

And so we reached Larkin after 3 hours of travelling from SG. Bought the cheaper bus tix (RM30) hoping to get a good coach. Yeah rite!!! Shud haf seen the kind of bus we travelled on to KL.....


In the bus.. finally

Yes ladies n gentleman... they gave us a Bas Sekolah. So...

Lesson no. 1: Boycott TransNational Coach Service
Lesson no. 2: Check bus tix. It must be signed. If possible, ask the counter to stamp the tix to ensure authenticity, thus quality of service. (Arrghhh...)

Oh well.. learnt our lesson the hard way.

I was quite scared throughout the journey. The bus was FULL of Indonesian Men. Unknown strangers.... unknown destination... sigh... We'll reach KL at ard 2am. Where can we get a hotel??? SIGH....


Bus Sekolah??

And so... we reached KL at 2.30am. Our eyes were WIDE AWAKE when we saw the City life. Hmmm... reminded me of Boat Quay. In fact, liveLIER than our local Boat Quay.

I needed to reflect something i saw along the way. Saw a homeless man sleeping right in front of a pub, beside a lamp post. My heart stopped looking at the man's state. How can human beings just walk past without stopping and looking at this poor man?? When i had my second and third look, i realised that this man has no legs!!!! To my horror, i nudged Jieja. My doa's to this man. May Allah lighten the burden imposed on him....

So, back to the bagpacking story...
The bus halted rite in front of a hotel.. Katari's the name. Situated in front of Pudu Raya Bus Terminal. Strategic place!

I was the unofficial spokeperson for the morning. I enquired for a room. They had rooms available!!! WooHOOoOOoOOo!!! And its WAY CHEAPER than the ones we saw in the internet! Cheap hotels dun do reservations they say. Wonderful!!!

Straight away, we did the necessary things to make ourselves feel comfortable. The toilet doesnt haf bathtub :( But tt was a minor issue for me.

Our next agenda was:
1. Pool our money.
2. Decide where to go the next morning.

We customized the map (now who say Girls cant read map?? We're good in our direction, and excellent in decorating the map!)
We drew a little house on the map to indicate our hotel... marked our destinations nicely.....
We were EXCITED.

We slept. Waiting for the morning to come.


Breakfast at Tiffany's...
Neah.. Breakfast at Mydin's

25th March, Friday

The complimentary breakfast was wonderful. Great start for the day!!!!
Fyi, Katari has free internet access @ the eateria. Great service aite?

Destination No. 1: The Indoor Theme Park @ Berjaya Time Square.

That was our first targeted place. But of course.. we're in KL, we're girls... we went shopping first! haha! At Debenhams. Jieja bought something very kinky (krekrekrek) Enjoyed teasing her throughout the shopping experience.

After then, we went up to the theme park. I was AMAZED by what i saw. It IS an indoor THEME PARK!! What awed me the most is that, it's INDOOR (i'm not making much sense here, nvm) WOW! The rollercoaster moves just beside MacDonalds, moves AROUND the lift, passes above another thrill ride! Kewl! Truthfully, i was intimidated by the circular motions the ride seems to be going. I needed to gather 2hours worth of courage before trying the rides. And so, we tried other stuffs first.


The theme park!!!

BEFORE pic

Arrgghh!! My Face looks horrible here!!!!

Krekrekrerke.... We did this 3 times!! Just to get a perfect picture. Well.. after the third try, we gave up (TIRED of shouting!) The is the 'best' picture of all 3 (the 2nd try). The first try, cant see my face at all, coz i was so scared that i clutched my head to my feet (seriously). The third try, Jieja's face was covered by her tudung. Spoilt. So we took this pic lar... No choice! Gawwdd!! My face looks soo horrible here!!

We teased the couple behind us. FUN!

After 3 hours of enjoying selves by testing our guts and intestines, we ended our journey in Cosmo's World! We vowed to come again.. the next time, with our siblings. Wonderful place to let our tudung down and haf fun!


The AFTER pic