My version of a fairy tale

The 24th year of my existance was celebrated by memorising the worldviews created by men (yerp, this include Darwin's theory of evolution and the -isms of the world)

6th of May, my limelight was shared with the General Election. The day ended with my fellow Saff activists, promising more deadlines and efforts to be done to achieve mardhatillah. We had pizza and heart-felt speeches after that (Thanks all)

I haven't sit down and personally thought about the growing number of years i stand on this earth, the amount of oxygen i've breathed in and how much i've contributed to pay for these ni'mat (blessings) i've endowed. There are still so many things i've yet to be. Many things i've yet to do. Many things i've done wrong and more things i've learnt.. walking in this often times less taken route.

I could have been an Usuluddin graduate from IIUM, making my way to work in the Islamic Religious Council of Singapore, and looking into the madrasah system and its implications and development. Perhaps, i could have been engaged to a pilot-to-be whom my mom adores, and lead a life as i've known. Instead, i took up a single major in Social Work, learning any other modules which are difficult to score (I wasnt really thinking of achieving good results anyway), met a guy who introduced me to experience Grief, get myself busy with da'wah effort and basically dedicate myself to constantly challenge my comfort zone and be worried with the never-ending deadlines and project executions.

Unconsciously or not, i've chosen this path. It has been thorny, sometimes lonely, increasingly challenging.... i cried about it, am proud of it, and i simply hope and pray really hard that it does not increase its difficulties BEYOND my capacity.

I could have chosen to go to France and live a fairy tale life, or even New Zealand, working with the fellow changemakers. i could. i could. I could have not chosen to further my studies by taking ANOTHER degree and instead continuing my masters. But i did.

It boils down to (a) bad decision making, or (b) being assertive and knowing what i want in life.

I still want my own version of a fairy tale life...
A princess in the pursuit to get to the castle, walking alone in the dark and lonely forest, joined by a lovely companion and a group of merry friends, all together going towards the same destination. Fighting against the big bad wolves, dangerous fiery dragons and evil witches, working together to hunt for basic food to survive..ensuring each other's motivation and making sure one another is in good shape. The journey would be the most sweet and enjoyable one.

No.. my fairy tale wont end with a 'happily ever after'.
If the journey has to end, it will end with a hope of mercy and goodness.
As the result of the journey is unknown to any.

24 years... and i hold on to this:

I would rather stumble a thousand times, attempting to reach a goal, than to sit in a crowd, in my weather-proof shroud, a shrivelled and self-satisfied soul...

I would rather be doing and daring, all of my error-filled days, than watching and waiting, and dying smug in my perfect ways...

So guide me in my stumbling, doing and daring, and show me the light during my error-filled days.

Humaira...
an entry with 24 years worth of emotions..
24 years of decision making....
24 years of consequences....
and years ahead of hope...