A Life is but a Play?

Kama Qal Shakespeare (translation: as mentioned by Shakespeare. Not in his own words though)

And agreed by Eric Burne, the psychologists who brought us the book "Games People Play", introducing the phenomenal Transactional Analysis.

Communication is a transaction between individuals.

I talk to you with the words i say (the content) and with the niyyah (motivation/intention) i have.

And i hope to be transacted in a certain manner i expect you to respond.

Example,
Humaira: What is your name?
Jude Law: My name is Jude. I like you.
Humaira: I like you too.

See? Transactional.

Eric also mentioned that each individual has 3 ego states.

Ego 1: Parent
This ego name parent is typical of the parent character we know. Bossy, naggy and directive. We ALL have that in us.

Ego 2: Adult
This ego loves facts. Such as the above example. Humaira asks Jude a question using adult ego and hope to get an adult-ego-ed answer too. Adult ego also loves rational and logic. Very straight forward.

Ego 3: Child
The lovable ego, externalising the child in us (duh!). This ego loves to be cuddled, very good in coaxing, crying and whining.

Dun judge yourselves now. No No! ALL of you have ALL of these. Its a matter of how, when and to who you exhibit these ego to.

"The ultimate goal of transactional analysis is the analysis of scripts, since the scripts determine the destiny and identity of the individual"

How apt. My mom used to say, what we say is a do'a. What we say can oftentimes be who we are. So, words such as 'stupid', 'bodoh', 'giler', 'silly', 'kurang ajar' or even 'syaitan', are banned in my household. To the extent when mom needs to say it as a form of educating or teaching us a lesson, she will S-P-E-L-L it out. And she is sooo consistent of this rule, she even does it to our cousins and those kids who come to our house for ngaji classes. My house became a spelling bee for bad words.

My mom was right. Wat we say, becomes the value of who we are eventually. It becomes the central theme of the game we play in our life. By saying 'I'm stupid', you're already playing The Stupid game, even when you dun realise it. I like to say, i'm not smart, but just lucky. So, i play that game in my life. I found myself not being able to control my life, as i depend on luck for things to go smooth. And it is reinforced by the successes i had and i attribute it to luck. This further reinforcing that i'm not smart too.

But how do we come up with such scripts? How do we know to say those words?

EXPERIENCE taught us that, and without proper reflection, we began to make decision that those experience DEFINE us (it becomes a psychological position). And this decision is further reinforced by us saying out the script.

How did i come out with 'I'm not smart but lucky' script?

As i grow up, smart is defined as those in the top 3 position in class. I'm always the fourth. And i began to like the fifth. And as i got higher, i began to sit in 'bigger' number that describes my position in class. Life in Alsagoff was competitive. Dun trust me? Ask any other Alsagoffians. We are competitive by nature, reinforced by the environment. Those who arent, drop out. Or 'stay back' (translation: being retained in the same level twice or thrice).

I thought i'm lucky and not smart because, i had teachers who perhaps, forgot to stroke me that i deserve the position i got. Or mom who forgot not to say "How does this other student fare? Is she better than you?". I once heard she said I'm lucky to be given good grades, good enough to advance to higher level. I'm LUCKY i have a dad who pat me in the back and said "I like that number. I dun understand what you're learning, but i know you put in LOTS of effort into it. And i appreciate you for that. Let's celebrate!" I hold on to that. Dearly.

LUCKY i read this book and realise this (note my personal script. I used the word lucky). I also realised that, luck aside, i am in control of making the decision to take control of my life, rather than attributing it to just luck. I'm capable of making decision about my life, and i also acknowledge that taqdeer, plays ultimate role in the outcome of my life. I decide the process of getting to the outcome.

"Transactional analysis is a tool you can use to know yourself, to know how you relate to others, and to discover the dramatic course your life is taking. The unit of personality structure is the ego state. By becoming aware of your ego states, you can distinguish between your various sources of thoughts, feelings and behaviour patterns. You can discover where there is discord and where there is agreement within your own personality. You can become more aware of the options available to you"

Indeed. When we talk about communication, we always think of the dynamic between us and the other person. WE communicate with OURSELVES too. And often times, these communication patterns are often forgotten. How can we develop effective comm with others when we dont develop one with our own selves?

I read this book as a preparation for my child management cases this Saturday. I hope to find messages and 'tips' to 'teach' parents on how to COMMUNICATE with their children.

Instead, i found the different characters in me (My child - teary ego talking to YOUR adult ego)

My message to parents: Discover the games you play with your children. And WHY you play such games.
Disclaimer: You'll need a Social Worker to guide the process :)

Humaira
No wonder.
The child in me is nurtured.

Still have LOTS of entries to type. RAP starting. Hence the madness. Pray for me.

And i pray for the barakah of time... for ALL of us =D
And Oh! HAPPY SOCIAL WORKER'S DAY!!!!