To those who are aware of my anxiety... i thank you for your empathy.
The cause of it ended quite well.
It was liberating to let go and humble self to reality.
It is indeed scary.... it is indeed biting...
I swallowed quite a lot today... fruits, pride and tears.
I haf to face it anyway... sooner or no later.
Indeed.. the cure for IT is to face it.
The cure for IT is to be truthful.
And.. the cure for IT is to be happy =D
Hah...
.... And now, its time to organise a big one for all the 3!
and for the final final time.... move on!
Humaira...
this entry is exclusive for hia.
When humility is tested....
Thursday, June 29, 2006
de soi experimenter
"Adik... kakak tak suka dia kawan ngan pompuan tuh! Perempuan2 yang lain boleh, tapi yang ini, kakak tak rela! Salah ke kakak nih??"
A voice very familiar on the receiver for the past few weeks.
As i've predicted, marital complaints will rise, but not because of the World Cup.... instead it is its sworn enemy... E.M.A (Extra Marital Affair)... be it real, or imagined.
The usual tired me will lament to such callers... irritated as caller doesnt seem to be able to see things rationally. Emotional crown took over the qalb, and the rest becomes blurred.
It is also saddening to witness the women victimising themselves and suffering from their own prejudice or unwanted circumstances.
You pointed out that, that woman could be me.....
Oh God forbid.
But its a possibility, nevertheless, i agree (Oh God forbid)
We may react or response as such when things dun go according to our expectations...
Try...
Imagine the unexpected. Hard?
Imagine experiencing the unexpected. One becomes disillusioned.
We dun get married thinking our husbands will have E.M.A...
Yeah, we may talk about it, get scared, and shoo it away hoping it will never happen...
You see, you're already setting un-realistic expectations on your marriage.
Hence, such reactions.
No, i'm not saying that one should get into the sacred vows of marriage having the thought that your partner will be interested in someone else (Oh please.. dun)
I'm saying that, one should get into the vow, being aware of self as human full of imperfections, and that you can never be perfect.
I'm saying that, one should get into the vow, realising that marriage is a mean, not an achievement to a wonderful relationship.
I always write the same sentence on my wedding card to my dearest friends;
Being married is a beginning of a strife (Jihad)
Fight FOR your love.
From my humble observation.
Fight what?
People change... circumstances change... ideals change... nothing is constant except change...
Yes... we're striving towards strengthening ANY relationships despite the fact that everything changes.
After that?
Tawakkal.
Sounds easy?
Try doing it!
Let's Walk the Talk!
Hmmm... lemme experiment it on my relationship with parents.
Constant strife is to return from work early so i can spend time (fighting) to get to know their old selves better...
To operationalise this experiment:
First task: Returning home from work EARLY
Second task: Talk to my parents at home (instead of sleeping or watching TV)
Third task: conscious effort to get into their Good Books
I dunno if i can succeed the first Jihad.
I have some worry about my ability to fulfill the second one.
I dunno if i haf the patience and guts to even reach the third task.
So u get what i meant by Jihad?
Its unfair for us to expect so much of others, when we dun set expectations of us vis-a-vis the others
Humaira...
de soir experimenter
My experiment shall start next Monday
A voice very familiar on the receiver for the past few weeks.
As i've predicted, marital complaints will rise, but not because of the World Cup.... instead it is its sworn enemy... E.M.A (Extra Marital Affair)... be it real, or imagined.
The usual tired me will lament to such callers... irritated as caller doesnt seem to be able to see things rationally. Emotional crown took over the qalb, and the rest becomes blurred.
It is also saddening to witness the women victimising themselves and suffering from their own prejudice or unwanted circumstances.
You pointed out that, that woman could be me.....
Oh God forbid.
But its a possibility, nevertheless, i agree (Oh God forbid)
We may react or response as such when things dun go according to our expectations...
Try...
Imagine the unexpected. Hard?
Imagine experiencing the unexpected. One becomes disillusioned.
We dun get married thinking our husbands will have E.M.A...
Yeah, we may talk about it, get scared, and shoo it away hoping it will never happen...
You see, you're already setting un-realistic expectations on your marriage.
Hence, such reactions.
No, i'm not saying that one should get into the sacred vows of marriage having the thought that your partner will be interested in someone else (Oh please.. dun)
I'm saying that, one should get into the vow, being aware of self as human full of imperfections, and that you can never be perfect.
I'm saying that, one should get into the vow, realising that marriage is a mean, not an achievement to a wonderful relationship.
I always write the same sentence on my wedding card to my dearest friends;
Being married is a beginning of a strife (Jihad)
Fight FOR your love.
From my humble observation.
Fight what?
People change... circumstances change... ideals change... nothing is constant except change...
Yes... we're striving towards strengthening ANY relationships despite the fact that everything changes.
After that?
Tawakkal.
Sounds easy?
Try doing it!
Let's Walk the Talk!
Hmmm... lemme experiment it on my relationship with parents.
Constant strife is to return from work early so i can spend time (fighting) to get to know their old selves better...
To operationalise this experiment:
First task: Returning home from work EARLY
Second task: Talk to my parents at home (instead of sleeping or watching TV)
Third task: conscious effort to get into their Good Books
I dunno if i can succeed the first Jihad.
I have some worry about my ability to fulfill the second one.
I dunno if i haf the patience and guts to even reach the third task.
So u get what i meant by Jihad?
Its unfair for us to expect so much of others, when we dun set expectations of us vis-a-vis the others
Humaira...
de soir experimenter
My experiment shall start next Monday
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
C'est musique d'espoir
Look to your path
forgotten kids who've strayed
give them a helping hand
lead them to new horizons,
help them understand
Feel, in the depth of despair
a surging waves of hope
the fervour of life
The glorious path
Childish delights
Too soon forgotten and erased
A golden light that burns forever
at the end of the path
See on your wayVois sur ton chemin
Gamins oublies egares
Donne leur la main
Pour les mener
Vers d'autres lendemains
Sens au coeur de la nuit
L'onde d'espoir
Ardeur de la vie
Sentier de gloire
Bonheurs enfantins
Trop vite oublies effaces
Une lumiere doree brille sans finTout au bout du chemin
forgotten kids who've strayed
give them a helping hand
lead them to new horizons,
help them understand
Feel, in the depth of despair
a surging waves of hope
the fervour of life
The glorious path
Childish delights
Too soon forgotten and erased
A golden light that burns forever
at the end of the path
Humaira...
Thursday, June 22, 2006
The Queen, the Teens and the Childhood Days
We celebrated the Queen's birthday.
Do u know that the Queen (Elizabeth II) has 2 birthdays?
The actual day of which she was born was on the 21st April. Her OFFICIAL birthdate is on the 17th June, as the chance of warm weather is better 2 months later. When you're the Queen, you have the power to change your birthdate... Kewl... She turns 80 this year, btw.
I shall post the wonderful pictures we took when we attended the Queen's birthday celebration... the Willy Wonka style. Chocolates EVERYWHERE... Lollies and Gummies... Free flow of ice-cream (ALL HALAL!!!) I was at the Wonka's residence (actually, it was his chocolateness, the high British commissioner's residence along Nassim Road) Serenaded by the cute and impish oompa loompas... the children played games..get fat... get more prizes. They didnt get to do this often anyway... and yeah, they NEED to get fat as most of them are SKINNY. Having to be able to enjoy the fair without worrying about money liberate them.
"Kak, how does the princess look like? Is she pretty?"
"She's the Queen, dear. And she's 80"
"So kak, are we gonna meet the 'nenek'?"
"Errmm.. No... the Queen is celebrating with her family in Buckingham Palace, in London"
"(sad face) We're not meeting her?? But it's her party!"
"I'm sure someone's recording the ceremony such that the Queen can view it later"
The kids havent seen the Queen before. Its a good thing that they get the Queen's brief biography (of course published by Penguin) for them to read more about her Majesty. A very good way to learn more about England, i must say. The kind High Commissioner also packed the goodie bag with LOTS of more chocolates, and a Charlie and the Chocolate factory book! The sweets and chocolates rest themselves in the children's system on our journey home, that they werent able to sleep in the bus. They were as hyper and as excited as the journey to the party, with MORE burning questions about the Queen.
The FSC was presented with a giant Cadbury Milk Chocolate weighs 10kg (Thank you Rizal for your MANpower) and a big piece of the Queen's birthday cake (Yes, all are confirmed Halal by NCSS, and i checked, the Cadbury choc was factoried in Aust *wink*) We are still finishing the cake and the chocolate :D Such good timing as the stress period is kinda HIGH these days....
R.A.P (RemajA Positif), a youth programme coordinated by myself, is at its hype at the moment. Preparations for the next day workshop eats up my whole night, causing my werking hour to begin from 9.30am (taxi late) to 11pm (often times 11.30pm). But looking at the young faces in the early morning... eager to learn (or because parents force them to attend), causes unexplainable renewed strength to move on (alhamdulillah). The sessions have been interesting thus far. Unique characters, as usual. And more attitudes! Ah.... Enjoyable! I pray, they learn at least ONE message from the programme, and apply it on their everday life, insyaAllah.
As werking late nights have been frequent, i have attracted some 'bodyguards' who volunteer to accompany me at 'dark' and quiet times. I had my largest body-guarding team just now, and the most interesting conversation which somehow inspires me.
My dearest adik2s who have gone through undescribeable experience when u were younger,
when you read this, please understand that your story has stripped me with awe, pride and amazement of your life, your struggle and your achievement. I acknowledge that life is not perfect at the moment, but it has been much better than before than drowning. Have faith, reconsider your revenge, move on forward. For in your eyes, lies the most determined, and hopeful spirit. I'm proud of you.
My dearest adik2s,
you know who you are...
Thank you for sharing your story.
Kak Humaira....
When i learn soo much from the Youths
Do u know that the Queen (Elizabeth II) has 2 birthdays?
The actual day of which she was born was on the 21st April. Her OFFICIAL birthdate is on the 17th June, as the chance of warm weather is better 2 months later. When you're the Queen, you have the power to change your birthdate... Kewl... She turns 80 this year, btw.
I shall post the wonderful pictures we took when we attended the Queen's birthday celebration... the Willy Wonka style. Chocolates EVERYWHERE... Lollies and Gummies... Free flow of ice-cream (ALL HALAL!!!) I was at the Wonka's residence (actually, it was his chocolateness, the high British commissioner's residence along Nassim Road) Serenaded by the cute and impish oompa loompas... the children played games..get fat... get more prizes. They didnt get to do this often anyway... and yeah, they NEED to get fat as most of them are SKINNY. Having to be able to enjoy the fair without worrying about money liberate them.
"Kak, how does the princess look like? Is she pretty?"
"She's the Queen, dear. And she's 80"
"So kak, are we gonna meet the 'nenek'?"
"Errmm.. No... the Queen is celebrating with her family in Buckingham Palace, in London"
"(sad face) We're not meeting her?? But it's her party!"
"I'm sure someone's recording the ceremony such that the Queen can view it later"
The kids havent seen the Queen before. Its a good thing that they get the Queen's brief biography (of course published by Penguin) for them to read more about her Majesty. A very good way to learn more about England, i must say. The kind High Commissioner also packed the goodie bag with LOTS of more chocolates, and a Charlie and the Chocolate factory book! The sweets and chocolates rest themselves in the children's system on our journey home, that they werent able to sleep in the bus. They were as hyper and as excited as the journey to the party, with MORE burning questions about the Queen.
The FSC was presented with a giant Cadbury Milk Chocolate weighs 10kg (Thank you Rizal for your MANpower) and a big piece of the Queen's birthday cake (Yes, all are confirmed Halal by NCSS, and i checked, the Cadbury choc was factoried in Aust *wink*) We are still finishing the cake and the chocolate :D Such good timing as the stress period is kinda HIGH these days....
R.A.P (RemajA Positif), a youth programme coordinated by myself, is at its hype at the moment. Preparations for the next day workshop eats up my whole night, causing my werking hour to begin from 9.30am (taxi late) to 11pm (often times 11.30pm). But looking at the young faces in the early morning... eager to learn (or because parents force them to attend), causes unexplainable renewed strength to move on (alhamdulillah). The sessions have been interesting thus far. Unique characters, as usual. And more attitudes! Ah.... Enjoyable! I pray, they learn at least ONE message from the programme, and apply it on their everday life, insyaAllah.
As werking late nights have been frequent, i have attracted some 'bodyguards' who volunteer to accompany me at 'dark' and quiet times. I had my largest body-guarding team just now, and the most interesting conversation which somehow inspires me.
My dearest adik2s who have gone through undescribeable experience when u were younger,
when you read this, please understand that your story has stripped me with awe, pride and amazement of your life, your struggle and your achievement. I acknowledge that life is not perfect at the moment, but it has been much better than before than drowning. Have faith, reconsider your revenge, move on forward. For in your eyes, lies the most determined, and hopeful spirit. I'm proud of you.
My dearest adik2s,
you know who you are...
Thank you for sharing your story.
Kak Humaira....
When i learn soo much from the Youths
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Much ado about Stress
My workstation symbolizes my life at the moment.
Hence, not much interesting things to note.
Milkullah... i apologise for the delayed 'report' on the child development theories thingy. I'm letting you know i havent forgotten bout it =D
BIRKH has started. Still has yet to receive our results (i can already feel the butterflies in my stomach).
I'll write again once the madness has cooled down...
...about books
...about friends
...about work
...about learning
...about fantasy
...about hope
humaira...
Pride and Prejudice
Hope and Honour
Hence, not much interesting things to note.
Milkullah... i apologise for the delayed 'report' on the child development theories thingy. I'm letting you know i havent forgotten bout it =D
BIRKH has started. Still has yet to receive our results (i can already feel the butterflies in my stomach).
I'll write again once the madness has cooled down...
...about books
...about friends
...about work
...about learning
...about fantasy
...about hope
humaira...
Pride and Prejudice
Hope and Honour
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Fever? Non... c'est soccer!
4 - 2.
Germany against Costa Rica.
Wasnt plan to watch it. Just happened my brother was shouting excitedly. And the Germans are playing. It is during this season that my old flames such as Kahn and Ballack come alive. Unfortunately, they didnt get to play in this first match; the opening of the madness. No biggie (i get to see them cheering excitedly from the bench though. And i can see Kahn itching while witnessing the 2 goals passing through the Germans' lack of defense, knowing HE can save them!). I was introduced to Lehman (Leman), Schnider and that bloke who scored a breath-taking 'outside the penalty box' goal. It was an excellent, eye-catching match, i could barely focus on the interesting article in TIME. Definitely a match to remember.
Germany.... Germany....
Hah!
A self-confessed bimbo of the soccer world, i'm attracted to soccer because of the many many eye candies. The Germans with the hunky names. Oh~ Ballack looking deliciously similar as Matt Damon-slash-Mark Wahlberg. Oh~ the world cup is gonna cause more harm to the girls... leaving us diabetics *swoon*
So, my dearest self, get ready for the coming month of sleeplessness, marital issues, endless soccer discussions with the youths and of course, the rise of the gambling addiction. Financial complaints may be on the rise too, assuming that sleeplessness causes malaise in finding employment, causing stress in the family structure, hence 'forcing' help-seeking behaviour. Be prepared to say 'hello' to 17cm of piles on the in-tray *sigh*
Oh.. and yeah, dun forget the attempts to explain to me what 'off-side' is.
"The opposing team's last man cant be infront of the other team's last man in the close attempt to score goal???"
How do u know who's the last man???? What line?
Arh.....
c'est soccer.
Humaira...
the week when hia couldnt focus on work, and it keeps piling up.
the week of recuperating from Kids' camp.
the week when men are just so wicked.
the week... hia was publicly called the e***** pious chick.
interesting..... hia was a small chicken.
the weekend... when hia was terrorised by "when's your turn?" question.
Germany against Costa Rica.
Wasnt plan to watch it. Just happened my brother was shouting excitedly. And the Germans are playing. It is during this season that my old flames such as Kahn and Ballack come alive. Unfortunately, they didnt get to play in this first match; the opening of the madness. No biggie (i get to see them cheering excitedly from the bench though. And i can see Kahn itching while witnessing the 2 goals passing through the Germans' lack of defense, knowing HE can save them!). I was introduced to Lehman (Leman), Schnider and that bloke who scored a breath-taking 'outside the penalty box' goal. It was an excellent, eye-catching match, i could barely focus on the interesting article in TIME. Definitely a match to remember.
Germany.... Germany....
Hah!
A self-confessed bimbo of the soccer world, i'm attracted to soccer because of the many many eye candies. The Germans with the hunky names. Oh~ Ballack looking deliciously similar as Matt Damon-slash-Mark Wahlberg. Oh~ the world cup is gonna cause more harm to the girls... leaving us diabetics *swoon*
So, my dearest self, get ready for the coming month of sleeplessness, marital issues, endless soccer discussions with the youths and of course, the rise of the gambling addiction. Financial complaints may be on the rise too, assuming that sleeplessness causes malaise in finding employment, causing stress in the family structure, hence 'forcing' help-seeking behaviour. Be prepared to say 'hello' to 17cm of piles on the in-tray *sigh*
Oh.. and yeah, dun forget the attempts to explain to me what 'off-side' is.
"The opposing team's last man cant be infront of the other team's last man in the close attempt to score goal???"
How do u know who's the last man???? What line?
Arh.....
c'est soccer.
Humaira...
the week when hia couldnt focus on work, and it keeps piling up.
the week of recuperating from Kids' camp.
the week when men are just so wicked.
the week... hia was publicly called the e***** pious chick.
interesting..... hia was a small chicken.
the weekend... when hia was terrorised by "when's your turn?" question.
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