I'm soo happeee today!!

1. Started werk feeling EXTREMELY sleepy (which is not good! Notty me!)

2. Had good lunch with colleagues. We talked about stress@werk and the root of the evil. Apparently, this year, we're doing things more intensively. We're conducting programmes, rather than coordinating. Casework jangan cakap, memang sentiasa challenging. More werk, less manpower, adds to more stress. Nevertheless, i think, this profession is already very well known for the high level of STRESS. Thus, its important to identify a lifeline ~ something that can make me sane. Knowing and believing WHY one is in this industry is also important, and knowing why we're doing what we're doing too.. so as not to lose focus.

It's been such a long time since i have a notebook and a pen in my hand, sitting, alone, by the bay... thinking bout LIFE. Need to do that soon....

Gosh! My in-tray is still manageable, alhamdulillah, despite my busy-ness outside office.

3. Fidza came to visit!! WooHhOooOoOOoooo~!! Miss my 'kawan lebih sepuluh tahun' group. Most of them haf graduated and are graduating, alhamdulillah. So, now, more time to lepak and enjoy life together.. i hope. Anywei... she came to show me her Independent Study. I'm SOO Proud of her!! HEHE.. Proud of me too... for being able to be part of her product. Read my 'quotes' in her paper.

4. She showed me the video on Social Workers with me inside.. talking bout the perks of being a Social Worker. WooHoOOoO!! So Kewwl!! feeling paisey too.. haha

5. My article was published on Berita Harian!! My 1-day effort to answer the Bicara Hati question on anak angkat... in MALAY. Fair enough.. the editor is smart enough to understand what i'm trying to say and beautify my language. Haha! Ryte..........

6. Went shopping with Rashidah. Got good stuffs, except skirts and sandals. Still can't get the ones i really like. Nevermind.. can still scout at other places.

My day ended well.

Luv my life.

Humaira... all pink and smiley

My article

me look tired

Went out in search of Fondue yesterday. Excellent taste. The hot chocolate melting in on my tongue.. can still feel the lingering taste...warm.. sweet... sinful...

The topic of discussion yesterday? Children, doing commnity service should start from home, being single and enjoying life at the moment. We're basically cherishing and appreciating life together. Life's wonderful with a dear dear friend.

ja n the signature smile 

me n da gerls 

ye adik2... kakak nak bercerita... 

Time management people! 

me n da boyz 

I'm infatuated by the song Blower's Daughter (i know i know... ja must be jumping up n down shouting she'd typed the song ages ago in her blog) i re-heard it on TV lately. Thus the latest craze.

Enjoy the video by the man himself, Mr Damien Rice, singing the song. You can catch it at
www.damienrice.com.

The Blower's Daughter
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I cant take my eyes off of you
i cant take my eyes....

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...

Did i say that i loathe you?
Did i say that i want to leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind...
my mind.. my mind..
'Til i find somebody new

So, who's the Blower's daughter? Is Mr Damien having a crush on his music teacher's daughter? Is this song about obsession? Anyway, for those who haf heard the song, stand with me if u agree that u can feel the sadness and the sincerity... the eagerness to be with someone so dear...! awwwwwwww................. humaira's in one of those feel-y feel-y mood again....

This song is the soundtrack for the movie Closer (the RA film i watched with Ja). The story of relationships turn bad.

Some note worthy quotes i remember from the movie...

Dan: When i get back, please tell me the truth
Alice: Why?
Dan: Because i'm addicted to it. Because without it, we're animals. Trust me.
Alice: I don't want to lie. I can't tell the truth. So it's over.

Alice: Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but i can't do anything with your easy words.

Larry: You don't know the first thing about love, because you don't understand compromise

Dan: What's so great about the truth? Try lying for a change, it's the currency of the world

As you can see, the story's about finding the meaning of love, truth and of course lust. Essentially, this story's about MAN. Full of err and contradictions.
I'm so glad i dun haf to lead life tt's directionless. Religion gives meaning to life. I pity them more than myself.

Oh well... character-wise, I'm Alice (my fav character in the story); young, 'naive', revengeful, a silent rebel and essentially private. She keeps her truth with her... guiding it like a real gem... no one knows her real identity...

Zakiah... humaira... ironica...Alice... Jane... wateva...
A name.. a masquerade for true self

humaira.... counting days to payday

the 82 gerls 

Ma n Me 

The week ended well... after episodes of terrible happenings~ Right from my competencies being questioned, to my values being challenged, and my dignity being harrassed.

I'm still ok. Life MOVES ON.

I had a wonderful time with my youths. They reminded me of being young again. The whole day of being indecisive, and eating and drinking (they do that A LOT!), and walking and playing.
I HAD FUN!!!

I bought myself a VCD of one of my recent fav movies - Finding Neverland! Watched it again. And tears welling...still

We've pretended for some time now that you're a part of this family, havent we? You've come to mean so much to us all that now, it doesn't matter if its true.
And even if it isnt true, even if that can never be...
i need to go on pretending.. until the end... with you...

Listen to the lady's insecurity.. her worries... and her aspirations. This is just another expression that shows how hard it is for a lady to forget all the little things that was done for her. She'll keep it... she'll treasure it... deep deep in her heart....somewhere.. even though pretending that all of it is true

Psss: Today marks the day humaira erases a little part of her history which she tot she can never let go.
She's taking baby steps towards big success! Hurrah~!

Psss again: Enjoy the pics!

speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil

Bonus Question!! Guess who's the adult in the pic???

All hot and Flushed!

Luv this pic! Good shot shidah!

My Dearest volunteers (n more.. not in the pic)

Me n the berfday gerl

Aaaaper 'eh?

No money.. boohooo

Waaaa

me n yanty *hugsies*

Its been a week since Humaira shared her stories to the world. The truth is... she was trying to grasp the sadness in her life. She vowed, the next time she type, it MUST be a happy one.

Humaira met him for the first time after the dream. Just like she pictured him, he looks blank. She couldnt recognise him. He.... is a different person.

The meeting went quite well. Humaira tried very hard to focus. Deep inside, she's still crying... (wait! isnt this entry supposed to be a happy one??)

Humaira had her last blow of sadness. She cried her last tears. And she stopped. Unable to find reasons to let the tears down. Humaira smiled.

Why shouldnt she smile? She has all the good friends in the world who care for her. She has a good career which she enjoys doing. She has purpose.

She has a mission.
To be Allah's good servant, by being a good vicegerent on earth.

Crying over him impede her journey.

Let her continue the walk. With a fresh start.

That's a good story isnt it?

Humaira..... a fresh start

She's happy.. and she's sad.

Loneliness is something uneasily cured.

".. for without doubt in the remembrance of Allah the heart finds mutmainnah".

Sakeenah is not enough for her.

Mutmainnah is what she's after.

Piles of work awaiting to be done.

She's suffocated... "I need mutmainnah now!"

************************************************

She recalls what happened yesterday....

"Kak, i can only give a neutral view. No i can't. I'm siding you. Because i don't know him. And i know you're a good person"

"Sometimes i wonder why these things happen to good people"

"Perhaps this information can make you feel better. My friend scolded him for being selfish in the court. He ****************. Is he always like that?"

"Lots of people had experience working with him. I've heard of not-so-good comments about him. It must be special for you as u can see his good points that made you attracted to him"

Special... and pure blindness my dear...
Special... and pure love perhaps...
Special... and it was before...

"Kak... i think its too much to ask from you. After you've given too much, and suddenly u're asked to stop giving. It must be difficult"

It wasnt difficult to give in to his requests.
But, being his friend has to be the most difficult request he's ever asked.

"Nowadays.. whenever i meet him, i always turn my face away. He'll do the same. Which is
good" *with non-verbal cues of hatred* --- a buddy said

Humaira smiles when she listen to these words. Neither reaction nor words came out.
She's neither happy nor sad. She's just lonely.

Is she moving on? Let her mourn.. let her feel the grief... let her be
Let her complete the whole cycle... the whole rollercoaster of hatred and disappointments and love... for only the completion will make her better.. or worse

What she's asking is patience. Stroke her when she's crying. Encourage her when she's smiling.

Humaira's blessed.

"If we ever gonna be apart... i'll never fall in love again....ever"
Jikalau kerbau dipegang pada talinya, manusia dipegang pada janjinya
Prove it my dear

Humaira... distracted

Behind those eyes

Seems like just yesterday
you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
your arms around me tight
Everything... it felt so right
unbreakable... like nothing could go wrong

Now i can't breathe
i can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears i cry
behind these eyes

I told you everything
opened up and let you in
you made me feel alright for once in my life
Now all that's left of me
is what i pretend to be
so together but so broken up inside

Cause i can't breathe
no i can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
swallow me then spit me out
for hating you..... i blame myself
just seeing you it kills me now
no i don't cry on the outside anymore

...behind these Eyes...

On a boring Saturday.. sitting at her werkstation. No life.

Actually.. got life. But she chose not to pursue it. Becoz she's lazy. Becoz she's tired.

This little humaira is growing up professionally. Growing up is tiring. Growing up means more responsibility, and its heavy.

This little humaira was introduced to dealing with divorce issue. She was introduced to the trauma and emotional disturbance experienced by children below 10 whose parents decided to split. Humaira reflects the feeling of loss.. the emotion of anger and love and self-guilt ALL mixed together when she was broken up... inside...

Imagine the feelings and emotions felt by those affected!

Yes yes, talaq has its hikmah, has its pros. But, how can it be good if the children are left hurt? If the wives are left directionless? If the men are forced to be strong? How can it be?

A young child said....... Teach me bout Life. Tell me why its unfair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Humaira has been asked numerous times by her friends and family members... why be a slave? Why be the problem solver?

If she doesn't... who else?

Humaira is internalising the problems. This is bad. Humaira yearns to seek comfort... she turns rite, she sees Kak Raihan's little Christmas Tree... she turns left, she sees her dear young volunteer.....

Her dear young volunteer... she wonders what is in her mind at the moment. Finding a boyfriend? Humaira observes her volunteers are starting to flirt around with the opposite gender. Its kinda positive. Well at least they dun flirt around with the same gender. Humaira is being cautious now... humaira needs to listen hardER.....

"to enjoin goodness, and to deny wrongdoings"

It's hard. Humaira is shouting for help.....

Humaira shouts for comfort

Humaira yearns for sakeenah

Humaira seeks for a seed of peace in her qalb

But no hand arrives

But she hears soothing voice... creeping through her heart....

that voice sounds familiar

"Allah will not burden His servant unless to his own capability"

Perhaps that's the answer.... to ALL the questions she asked.

In fact, that was the answer, she gave to all those who seek help.

Tears running down humaira's pinkest cheeks.... She lets it dry.........



Humaira......................... seeking sakeenah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little humaira had a dream yesterday. It was vivid. She can still remember the detail. It was on the MRT platform... when she met him. His hair looks different.

Little humaira gave him a smile. His troubled eyes look comforted. Humaira cannot bear to look at him... she turned away... and she cried.

He ran after her. Seeking friendship after rejection. Humaira looked at his eyes. She felt love.

They talked. Humaira's having the best dream since the past 2 months. Humaira didnt want to wake up. Humaira wanted to stay asleep.... and look at his eyes.

Humaira is awake. Humaira is scared.

For dream... reflects one's inner wants..........

Humaira........ red cheeks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Kak, I want to be a Social Worker just like you"....someone said. And it came from a guy.

Humaira smiled. Despite the 'we-dun-like-ur-approach-to-the-current-policy-on-volunteers' staff meeting, humaira stayed smiling...

Humaira... standing firm to her principle, while listening to what others say *proud of self*